Ok, this is just fun. Varla Jean Merman sings of the history of Stonewall! How appropriate, since today it the 38th anniversary. It plays off the Judy Garland myth, but it's still a kick!
Two years ago I read the book Stonewall, and was mightily impressed with the history, my history, our history. I felt as close to those queens and trannies and dykes as I did to the Mormon pioneers when I was growing up. They are part of me, and my history and what makes me. Respect, that's what it is. Thanks, for getting us to where we are today!
Friday, June 29, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Different is trouble for you only
Here is one of my favorite clips ever found on the internet:
First of all I love it because that was Mama Cass and I adore her golden, glorious voice.
Second, I love the sentiment she sings. I was thinking about this because of my SIL Lisa's recent post about her thoughts in response to a book she just read. Apparently the book has a lot to say on being different, or feeling different. I can get that. I've always felt different. It took me a while to accept it, but it's even become a compliment. While on my mission one elder who was soon to be my new companion asked a sister who had served around me and who was on her way home what I was like - her resonse was, "He's the most differentest person ALIVE!" That makes me feel very good.
But there have been times when it's felt more like a burden than anything. I admit that I'm wont to compare myself to others. I often do it with my brothers and sisters. Years ago, when I was first coming out to myself, it was right around the time my brother and sister were marrying. It hurt more than a little bit to watch them, and wonder why I couldn't have that too. I felt like if I could just be the same as Peter and Abby I wouldn't let my mom and dad down. I pursued (as far as I could...) a relationship with my friend Christy in an attempt to be the "same" as my siblings, as my peers, as society. It didn't work, and I was never happy.
I often wished I could be different, better, handsomer, smarter, more advantaged. Why oh why did I have to fall in love with Linguistics as a major, when I could have done something normal, like accounting, and had a normal job, and a normal income, and a "normal" life. If I could just have been more "normal" would I currently be happier?
I truly believe the answer to that is no.
Yes, I'm different. I may be incomprehensible to some people. I may seem like I make erratic choices. But, and it's relatively recently I've learned this, I'm living MY life, not a life for others. So what if most people don't get me? I do, and maybe a few other people do, and that's great. I am unique. I am special. Maybe (definitely) not to the whole world, like some I know aspire to, but I'm special to me, because I like me, and I know what it took to BECOME me. I please me; I value me.
No mater what kind of different a person is, it can be hard and lonely, as Mama Cass sings. But I echo what she says next: "I'd rather be different than be the same."
First of all I love it because that was Mama Cass and I adore her golden, glorious voice.
Second, I love the sentiment she sings. I was thinking about this because of my SIL Lisa's recent post about her thoughts in response to a book she just read. Apparently the book has a lot to say on being different, or feeling different. I can get that. I've always felt different. It took me a while to accept it, but it's even become a compliment. While on my mission one elder who was soon to be my new companion asked a sister who had served around me and who was on her way home what I was like - her resonse was, "He's the most differentest person ALIVE!" That makes me feel very good.
But there have been times when it's felt more like a burden than anything. I admit that I'm wont to compare myself to others. I often do it with my brothers and sisters. Years ago, when I was first coming out to myself, it was right around the time my brother and sister were marrying. It hurt more than a little bit to watch them, and wonder why I couldn't have that too. I felt like if I could just be the same as Peter and Abby I wouldn't let my mom and dad down. I pursued (as far as I could...) a relationship with my friend Christy in an attempt to be the "same" as my siblings, as my peers, as society. It didn't work, and I was never happy.
I often wished I could be different, better, handsomer, smarter, more advantaged. Why oh why did I have to fall in love with Linguistics as a major, when I could have done something normal, like accounting, and had a normal job, and a normal income, and a "normal" life. If I could just have been more "normal" would I currently be happier?
I truly believe the answer to that is no.
Yes, I'm different. I may be incomprehensible to some people. I may seem like I make erratic choices. But, and it's relatively recently I've learned this, I'm living MY life, not a life for others. So what if most people don't get me? I do, and maybe a few other people do, and that's great. I am unique. I am special. Maybe (definitely) not to the whole world, like some I know aspire to, but I'm special to me, because I like me, and I know what it took to BECOME me. I please me; I value me.
No mater what kind of different a person is, it can be hard and lonely, as Mama Cass sings. But I echo what she says next: "I'd rather be different than be the same."
Friday, June 22, 2007
Infamous
Today I finally watched Infamous. I haven't gotten around to watching Capote yet, but that will come.
It was so interesting to me to watch the details of a story I knew only marginally, and to learn. I think the movie did justice to the people - the raw humans - it was depicting. It put a face to the killers, as stories are wont to do. But it affected me.
I always have identified with the villains of almost any story. I wonder if it's got anything to do with the fact that I often label myself as wicked or odd or peculiar. At any rate, I seem to have the ability to see things from the baddy's point of view right off. With Little House on the Prairie I always empathized and sympathized with Mrs. Oleson - of COURSE she acted the way she did! She had goals and desires just like everyone, but her methods were unorthodox, and didn't fit in with the rest of Walnut Grove society. She was a business woman - why should she NOT be shrewed, and demanding. She wanted attention and position in a place where no one cared much for that - of course she would seem overblown, and her efforts useless. Yes, she could have just acted the same as the other women, and they would naturally accept her, but that was not HER! Her personality was different! To her, things made utter sense the way she did them. I was always glad that she had a remarkably understanding husband.
Disney movies have been the same. With the exception of Gaston, I've always been able to see and value the goals, methods and motives of the villains. Ursula, Hades, Jafar, Maleficent. I don't say they were right but I understand them.
This applies to all stories, not just film. I guess I'm just unusally empathetic.
And it applied again today, to the story of Truman Capote and the killers he met in jail. The film, the book, perhaps even real life put a human face onto an inhuman act. By the end of the film, when the two men were hung, I burst into tears at their deaths. I know that the characters and their real-life counter parts killed 4 innocent people. I know. But I cried for the two men who were killed in punishment, too. And while I sat there dripping onto the throw pillow, I asked myself what I was crying for - loss? emotional investment? waste? I'm not sure.
The movie did its job. I was moved. I cried for the killers, just like when I cried for Jeffry Dahmer. It's easy to say it's just because I'm wicked too, but I honestly think it's because I've a tender heart, no matter what facade I put up.
It was so interesting to me to watch the details of a story I knew only marginally, and to learn. I think the movie did justice to the people - the raw humans - it was depicting. It put a face to the killers, as stories are wont to do. But it affected me.
I always have identified with the villains of almost any story. I wonder if it's got anything to do with the fact that I often label myself as wicked or odd or peculiar. At any rate, I seem to have the ability to see things from the baddy's point of view right off. With Little House on the Prairie I always empathized and sympathized with Mrs. Oleson - of COURSE she acted the way she did! She had goals and desires just like everyone, but her methods were unorthodox, and didn't fit in with the rest of Walnut Grove society. She was a business woman - why should she NOT be shrewed, and demanding. She wanted attention and position in a place where no one cared much for that - of course she would seem overblown, and her efforts useless. Yes, she could have just acted the same as the other women, and they would naturally accept her, but that was not HER! Her personality was different! To her, things made utter sense the way she did them. I was always glad that she had a remarkably understanding husband.
Disney movies have been the same. With the exception of Gaston, I've always been able to see and value the goals, methods and motives of the villains. Ursula, Hades, Jafar, Maleficent. I don't say they were right but I understand them.
This applies to all stories, not just film. I guess I'm just unusally empathetic.
And it applied again today, to the story of Truman Capote and the killers he met in jail. The film, the book, perhaps even real life put a human face onto an inhuman act. By the end of the film, when the two men were hung, I burst into tears at their deaths. I know that the characters and their real-life counter parts killed 4 innocent people. I know. But I cried for the two men who were killed in punishment, too. And while I sat there dripping onto the throw pillow, I asked myself what I was crying for - loss? emotional investment? waste? I'm not sure.
The movie did its job. I was moved. I cried for the killers, just like when I cried for Jeffry Dahmer. It's easy to say it's just because I'm wicked too, but I honestly think it's because I've a tender heart, no matter what facade I put up.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Calming down
Feeling much better today, despite still not hearing anything from Berlitz. Had the severance meeting with the Vice President and it turned out better than I previously thought, plus I have stock options I didn't know about. Things will work out... things will work out.
I spent much of the day yesterday with my sister-in-law and my neice and nephew, and that helped at first. As the day went on and I stopped being the outraged victim, I felt worse and worse about everything. I was still willing to take what I deserved, but really realizing how NOT in control of things I was hurt a lot.
It's hard for me to submit to people. It's hard for me to accept that I'm not in control of any situation. I don't know if it's part of being the oldest or what, but not having the power to make things my way, when logically everything SHOULD be my way, is.... scary. I feel like less of a person, and I HATE that feeling with a passion.
Which is why I often put up an aloof front - so that no one can see how they're affecting me, and so I have time to process my responses. It's not fun, but it's less damaging.
I spent much of the day yesterday with my sister-in-law and my neice and nephew, and that helped at first. As the day went on and I stopped being the outraged victim, I felt worse and worse about everything. I was still willing to take what I deserved, but really realizing how NOT in control of things I was hurt a lot.
It's hard for me to submit to people. It's hard for me to accept that I'm not in control of any situation. I don't know if it's part of being the oldest or what, but not having the power to make things my way, when logically everything SHOULD be my way, is.... scary. I feel like less of a person, and I HATE that feeling with a passion.
Which is why I often put up an aloof front - so that no one can see how they're affecting me, and so I have time to process my responses. It's not fun, but it's less damaging.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
help!
My stomach's clutching up. Severance package meetings today. Rumor is that it's not good.
How am I gonna get through this?
How am I gonna get through this?
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Friends
I find myself very drawn to the television show. It was kind of verboten when I was growing up - to risque. But as an adult with a critical eye, I'm interested to note some of the ways they depict relationships. The characters are never too cartoonish - they always have a truth around them. I think this is a mark of good writing.
The character I find myself relating to the most, and wanting to be like and find the most funny is Phoebe. I like that she's independant, I like that she's satisfied with the life she carved out for herself. I like that she's off-kilter, and comes up with random things. And I lOVE the way she says "Oh, no."
The character I find myself relating to the most, and wanting to be like and find the most funny is Phoebe. I like that she's independant, I like that she's satisfied with the life she carved out for herself. I like that she's off-kilter, and comes up with random things. And I lOVE the way she says "Oh, no."
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